Everything about fear makes us want to do the opposite of what is usually in our best interest.
We don't want to feel it. We want to stuff it. Run. Avoid it. Deny it. Pretend it isn't there. Steamroll it. Over-compensate even... like the more we are afraid, the more we try to act like we are not.
Fear says "I can't" and "It won't be ok."
In fact, if you really follow what fear says... really keep following it all the way down to the roots... after "I can't" and "It won't be ok"... it's actually saying "... and I'll die".
Yes, that's right. Some small, powerful part of your mind believes that what you are afraid of will actually kill you: Like, saying that true thing that you are afraid to say; Letting people see you, being vulnerable; Not being perfect; Admitting that you are afraid. Your mind is telling you that that stuff will cause you to die, possibly even in a devastatingly humiliating way.
As with all topics, you have control over your Relationship to Fear.
As part of having a consciously chosen relationship to the topic of fear, you can start to become increasingly effective in making this a good, healthy, and ultimately very fruitful relationship.
Here are some ideas you can take for a test drive in how you relate to Fear:
Let Fear be your Lighthouse.
- This means learning to watch out for places of fear, knowing that they are actually beckoning your healing.
- These are the place to go towards, not the places to avoid.
- Make this a practice. What am I afraid of? Where is fear cropping up?
- And then: Am I making an effort to go towards it, rather than away from it? More on this below.
Know that near Fear, lies your Heart's Desire.
- Wherever there is fear, it means there is also a deeply held heart's desire.
- Afraid of getting rejected? That's because your heart has a deep desire for love and connection.
- Afraid to speak up about something? That's because your heart has a deep desire to speak truth and be heard.
- The stronger the fear, the deeper the heart's desire.
- So for each fear you encounter, what is the associated desire?
- Acknowledge this desire... it's of your true heart! And let this be part of what helps you go towards the fear.
Remember, Fear is a Gargoyle.
- A spiritual teacher of mine talks about how fear is a gargoyle: It is designed to look scary, and to keep us out, but the truth is, you can actually walk right past it.
- By now in your life you have probably had some experiences where the main take away was that fear is a bogeyman. It's an illusion. It's smoke and mirrors. You did the thing you were afraid to do, and you didn't die.
- Continue to have and acknowledge experiences of realizing that fear is a gargoyle.
- I like this quote. It sums up the above concept for me: "Fear knocked. Faith answered. No one was there."
- Summon the faith of your experiences and go towards the fear... you will almost certainly find that what your fear was telling you would kill you, will not actually kill you.
- The more you walk through fear, the more your mind learns, not intellectually but experientially, that fear is a gargoyle.
- And then when fear comes up, some small part of you will learn to say, 'maybe this won't kill me. maybe I can do this'
Thank your Fear for trying to Protect You
- Everything changes when we acknowledge it, and fear is no exception.
- It's ultimately trying to protect you and keep you safe, so as part of the process of acknowledging it, you can thank it for what it is attempting to do for you.
- Literally speak to it like this: "I hear you, and I acknowledge you. I know you are trying to protect me, so thank you. I'm going to move forward, and I really appreciate you helping to show me where my heart's desires are.
Go towards it. Actively. Live in your Growth Zone.
- This is the fun part.
- Once you orient towards your fear as a lighthouse, beckoning you in; identifying that it's indicating a nearby heart's desire; remembering that it is a gargoyle, it won't kill you; and thanking it for trying to protect you... then you can take steps to move towards it!
- As they say, this is where the magic happens.
- You get to control the speed here, but you can literally lean into this growth zone of yours and watch changes unfold.
- You can ask yourself regularly, what risks did you take this week? What thing did you say out loud that your first impulse was to let fear squelch? What fear came up that you decided to meet with taking a little risk? Did you do something even though your thinking mind wasn't able to be comfortably 100% positively sure of how it would go? The poor thinking mind hates the unknown.
- This doesn't have to mean doing huge, scary things like running off to another country. Try applying this to small interactions. Going to a new place. Saying something that feels vulnerable. Admitting what you are feeling or thinking to someone.
They say that nothing changes until something changes... listening for fear and then moving towards it is a great way to stoke the fires of change.
